Currently Listening Whatever & Ever Amen By Ben Folds Five Brick see related

I'm in a good mood.  I'm excited to get back to school, I get to hang out with Julie, I got to waterski and wakeboard today, and most importantly, I just got off the phone with Jeff.  I know that my entries probably just look like "I love Jeff...blah blah blah, Jeff, yadda yadda, Jeff, yadda" to anyone other than me, but I don't care.  We talked about some stuff on the phone, namely bachelorette/bachelor parties and such, and I'm really happy with the outcome.  The things he/I said were things that we both already knew, but I think the difference in delivery and tone made a world of difference to the meaning.  I love that we're so comfortable with each other that we can talk so openly.  I'm also glad that since I'm getting back to school so soon, I wasn't such a spaz on the phone.  When Jeff's at school and I'm not, I feel like I don't really have anything interesting to say as compared to his classes and such.  I mean, I tend to sit at home during the day, possibly shopping, possibly playing online games...Taking Beau to the vet was a major thing in my day.  I cherish my trips to the library.  Anyway, I just feel like I'm boring to talk to when I have nothing to say...I guess that's true of anyone.  Well, when I feel like I don't have anything worth saying, I find myself grasping at stupid topics and I get myself so worked up by the end of the conversation that I feel like I'll hyperventilate and it's just not good.  I don't know why I do it, I just know it happens from time to time, and it's really only when I'm at home and Jeff isn't.  I'm strange.

I'm all ready to go back to school.  In every sense of the phrase.  Well, besides the fact that I have more stuff to pack.  ;)  I can't wait to see Julie and get everything in the room put together and oh, the awesomeness.  I'm also really excited for pre-vet club and all that jazz.  I get to do the Science is Fun show that I wanted to do on the 30th, so that makes me reallllllly happy!  All the cool people are going to be there...Paul, Scott, Mike, Jake, Sarah, and I are going to put on an awesome show.  I can't wait to see all of them!  Oh, it's going to be a great show!  I'm a little nervous about my delivery, but I know that I can work out the kinks when I have a free moment on Monday and then I can practice a bit on Tuesday and it'll be OK.  I know I'm more excited than nervous and it'll pass.

Well, I have a book to finish by tomorrow so that I can return it to the library, so I should do that.  Just think, my next post will probably be from MADISON! 

I am so incredibly excited to get back to school.  I don't even think I can put into words how much I want to be back in Madison.  I got an e-mail from Paul earlier today about Science is Fun and the Fall semester.  I said that I was more than willing to do a demo or two for the Memorial Union Bash (this big party-type thing that's part of Wisconsin Welcome Week) and so I'm really excited for that.  I love doing shows.  I really hope I get to do fog.  Fog is my favorite.  I can't wait to get back to Science is Fun.  Yay SciFun!  I guess I'm just as excited to see Paul (read: Amy's unsuspecting betrothed) and Mike (who is just really fun) and Scott (read: young Ken Jennings with sarcasm) and Robert (who is trying to get me to rush for the co-ed chem frat in the fall) and Matt (who I don't know if I've EVER seen completely clean/sober) and Bob (read: Iceman from Top Gun who has a thing for physical contact and throwing things) and even Prof. Shakhashiri...so w00t for SciFun.

I had an interesting day today, not because I did anything really cool, but because I actually did stuff.  I talked to Jeff for a little while online before I had to leave to have dinner with Julie and company and he said he'd call me tonight if he got home in time.  Well, I guess he didn't get home in time, and I just have to roll with it.  I mean, I'm always out the first few nights I get to Madison, so I totally understand.  I just really want to talk to him.  Anyway, Julie, Brad, Emily, Shawn, and I had dinner in Lake Geneva and then we headed to Starbucks and then to an ice cream place.  Somewhere along the line we were joined by Tessa and this other guy who's name I forgot.  I felt kind of like a 5th wheel for a while, but it could have been worse.  And Julie is usually pretty good about making me feel included and such.  After the ice cream thing, we went to WalMart and hung out there for a while.  It was..fun, I guess.  I wan't exactly sad when I had to leave.  I'm just used to having real stuff to do...small town kids go to WalMart at odd hours.  ;)  Oh well, I can't wait to get to Madison!!!

I should go do something...I've been itching to try to make this pair of chandelier earrings, so we'll see how that goes.  I still miss Jeff.

Currently Listening It's Time By Michael Bublé Save the Last Dance for Me see related

I guess you can say that I still feel weird.  I was supposed to talk to Jeff tonight but he wasn't home.  I have to cut him a bit of slack though.  It is only his second night in his new apartment so I'm sure he's settling in/hanging out with his friends he hasn't seen all summer.  I hope we get to talk tomorrow night.  There's kind of a lot going on here.  My parents got a call yesterday that one of their really good friends passed away.  Pancreatic cancer...It just seems so sudden.  Supposedly he was only diagnosed 4 weeks ago.  I used to see the family and their daughter (Heather) all the time...we were like best friends from birth until like 3rd or 4th grade when her parents moved them to McFarland.  I suppose that something like this puts everything into perspective.  How fragile life is and quickly it can move in one direction or another.  I have been praying that God is with the entire family, helping them through this.  The funeral is on Sunday and my dad and I are going to drive up.  I don't know why, but my mom isn't going to come. 

My aunt and uncle and cousins and my great aunt are going to come over on Saturday, so that means that I have to do some cleaning tomorrow.  The basement is a mess from all of my college stuff and because I haven't cleaned in like forever.  Whoops! 

I went to Hobby Lobby today to get a few things to finish up my projects for the dorm.  All I need now is a seat cushion and clothespins.  Well, I think there might be a few more things, but those are the two major things I can think of.  I could use 2 more 3X5 picture frames for these pics of Hailey and Brandon I have, but I could make do without. 

I miss Jeff.

Currently Listening Brown Eyed Girl By Van Morrison Brown Eyed Girl see related

I guess you could say that I'm in a bit of a strange mood.  I don't know if it's good or bad, but I just feel like...going.  I don't want to sit still and play around online or read like I would usually do at this time of night.  I wish Julie were here so we could do something crazy right about now. 

You know, Michael Phelps is a very attractive man.  OK, so he's damn sexy and it's hard to keep myself from picturing him dripping wet in my living room wearing only a speedo, but that's just me.  ;)  I found the pics I had of dear Mr. Phelps in my dorm last year and they brough back some warm/fuzzy memories.  That and it was an excute to stare at his abs.  I'm OK, really I am.  I'm just...yeah.

I did end up hanging out with Ankeet the other day and it was a lot of fun.  Mallas had an appointment with the eye doctor so he didn't call until I was getting ready to leave, and Erica could only stay for a little while, so Ankeet and I flew solo for most of the day.  We ate lunch at this cool Mexican restaurant and then we hung out at his house and looked at his pics from Singapore and Chile.  We also fed the koi in his pond, which was awesome.  I love those fish!  Ankeet has the coolest house, I have decided.

Oh, and no one knows how to drive.  I was like 2 inches away from getting into an accident with this jag-off in a big pickup truck going north on route 53.  I don't know, there's something called a turn signal and you use it to tell other people that you're changing lanes.  I was trying to move from the right lane to the right-center lane, and the guy was trying to move from the left-center lane to the right-center lane.  I signaled, checked my blindspot, and started moving...he didn't signal, sped up, and like swerved into the lane.  I had to pull hard back into my lane and then he honked at me and blew past me like it was MY fault that he is a dick.  Whatever.  I was going like 75 mph at that point, and it would not have been cool if he had clipped my bumper.  Oh well, I'm glad that I got home safely.

I got to talk to Jeff last night and it was nice.  He's so excited to get back to school and so his enthusiasm was pretty contagious.  We had some interesting conversation topics such as what he'd do if he walks into a room and I'm crying and he goes "What's wrong, honey" and I do the girl thing and say "Nothing..."  He basically said he would just say "OK" and walk out of the room, lol.  What a guy.  ;)  I know that in reality, he'd never do that...but then again, I'd never say that nothing was wrong if it really was...not to him, of all people.  I love my Jeff.  :)

I need some waterskiing.  I really need to get better at leaning into my turns so I can put up a better wall when I spray.  We'll see what happens this weekend.  I've been wakeboarding lately, which is fun because I just learned how, but it's still not as good as slalom.  Oh, waterskiing.  I should sleep so I can hopefully get up semi-early to go shopping tomorrow.  w00t.

Currently Listening The Battle For Everything By Five for Fighting Nobody see related

I am empty.  I hate feeling like this.  I will not see Jeff again until Thanksgiving and that simple yet unavoidable fact tears me apart from the inside out.  I thought that leaving him would get easier each year, but I feel like it's just getting worse.  I've never felt this much pain and heartache at the same time before and it's a real eye-opener.  In the days leading up to Thursday, I could cry just thinking about him.  I even had to fight the tears a couple times Thursday night while I was with him.  Now I just want to sit and cry some more.  I don't know if it'll help me or make it worse, but right now, crying is my best bet.  I hate feeling like this...like all of my insides have been sloppily extracted and I'm just putting this shell of my body through its paces. 

I don't feel like doing anything or really seeing anyone.  I thought that it'd do me good to get together with Julie and hang out for a while, but even when I had the invitation to go to a party tonight and to go camping next week, I couldn't bring myself to agree.  I don't want to see people.  Well, correction, I want to see Jeff.  I want to sit with him on my couch, the couch I'm sitting on now.  I want his arm around my shoulder and my head against his chest.  I love listening to his heart.  It sounds silly to put it in writing, but I feel safe there...feeling the slow rhythm of his body and imagning that my heart is beating the same one.  I want him to hug me, to hold me close, to kiss me, to look into my eyes and tell me that he loves me without ever having to say a word.  I love him more deeply than I thought I'd ever be able, and that's why I have to just comfort myself and pretend that I'm doing OK.  I'll be better when he is acutally leaves for school on Wednesday, but this weekend and the first part of next week is tough because I know he's still at home and he's too busy to do anything but get ready for school.  We have this unspoken agreement that the last few days are for family and I have to honor it.

I'm supposed to hang out with Ankeet and some people on Monday but I don't even know if I can.  I'd have to go to Illinois and I don't know that I'd be able to get there without trying to make the car go to Jeff's house instead.  I just feel like I'd be a downer for everyone, and I don't want to do that.  Maybe I'm just making excuses for myself so I can sit at home and sulk a bit more.  I don't know.  Maybe I need to get out and distract myself some more.  I just wish it didn't involve going to Illinois.  I don't know what I'll do, but I know I'll talk to Jeff tomorrow night on the phone.  He'll tell me to go and have fun...take my mind off things.  I wish I could just forget how to cry.

I had such an amazing time with Jeff on Thursday/Friday.  I got to his house around 1 pm and we went to Liza and Dina's house and then Liza drove us all into Chicago.  It was a fun car ride with lots of loud music and conversation.  Being jammed into the back seat of a VW Beetle with Jeff was fun, too.  Dina was asking Jeff and I about what we were going to do in the future like when Jeff graduates from college and is moving into the working world.  I was a little shaky at first; talking about that part of the future always scares me.  If Jeff can't get a job in Madison or somewhere close after he graduates, then he's probably going to have to stay in Carbondale for a while.  I don't even want to think about what would happen if he couldn't ever get a job in Madison.  I'll be stuck there until I'm done with vet school, and then I have to go wherever I get an internship.  Our plans to get married in 2009, 2 years after we graduate from undergrad and 2 years into vet school, could get seriously compromised if there aren't any job opportunities in Wisconsin for Jeff.  I'm not going to worry about that now, though.  I have to get through 2 more years of undergrad, the GRE's, vet school applications, and all that jazz before I worry about what-if's.  Que sera sera. 

I digress...after Jeff explained the sitaution to Dina, I think she was a little intimidated by the seriousness of our planning and she apologized for bringing it up, thinking it was making Jeff and I uncomfortable.  I wasn't uncomfortable, but I was glad to have a new conversation topic come up.  We got into the city and parked near Millennium Park and then we walked to Watertower to eat at FoodLife.  It was a pretty long walk, but I enjoyed it.  Walking down a city street hand in hand with Jeff and chatting with Liza and Dina was a wonderful way to pass the time.  We had a very enjoyable early dinner and then we started the walk back to Millennium Park.  We passed Crate and Barrel and Jeff was like "Hey, someday we'll be able to afford to shop in that store." and I was like "Yeah, and we can stay at the Hilton, too." and then he said that we'd probably end up spending $1000 in the store and $1000 at the hotel, but he agreed that it'd happen someday.  That sparked a conversation about my joining an Italian family and how interesting that would be.  Even Liza wished me luck.  ;)

We got back to Millennium Park and watched a marching band do their thing for while before heading into the Prikzner (sp?) Pavillion for this jazz concert.  The Pavillion was awesome and I have some great pictures of it during the day and at night.  The concert was another story.  It was mostly this contemporary bebop thing that boiled down to everyone seeming to be playing a different thing at once.  Jeff and Liza and Dina thought it was strange too, so I'm glad I wasn't the only one.  After the concert was over, we walked around the gardens of Millenium Park for a while and took some pictures.  It was a beautiful garden and we all had a good time, I think.  I got a couple really cute pictures of Jeff and I...One is my desktop image and the other is going to be framed for the dorm.  I can't get over how grown up and young we look at the same time. 

After our stint in the gardens, we walked across this weird-looking bridge and headed towards Buckingham Fountain.  On the way, I felt kind of sorry for Liza and Dina.  They commented that it was such a romantic night and that neither of their boyfriends were there.  It was a strange feeling for me.  Usually I'm the one commenting that I wish Jeff were there, but for once, I was the one with the boyfriend present.  While Liza and Dina were on the phone with their respective boyfriends, Jeff and I walked a bit ahead of them, enjoying the night.  At one point, we were singing "L is for the way you look at me" and it was just too sweet for words.  I could have melted into the pavement, but then I would have missed the rest of the night. ;)  We got to the fountain and watched it for a while and then right as we were walking away, the music started and the light-show began.  It played "America the Beautiful" and the fountain changed colors during the song.  Then there were snippits of different show tunes like "I Got Rhythm" and it was so cool.  Jeff made the observation that the fountain music was the best stuff we heard all night, and he was completely correct.  I was sad to leave the fountain, but we had to eventually.  On the way back to the car, we walked past these two huge rectangular pillars with faces projected onto them.  They had all this water flowing all over and kids were playing in it.  Then the faces appear to spit water at each other, and it's a pretty entertaining sight...well, if you can get over the fact that the faces are a little creepy to begin with...

We got back to the car and started the ride home.  That's when I had the problem with the stray tears, but it was solved by holding Jeff's hand and leaning on his shoulder for a while.    Liza and her boyfriend were in a bit of an argument when they spoke on the phone and so Jeff was quietly asking me why I thought her boyfriend was acting strangely.  He thought it was because of the time that he(Jeff) and Liza were spending together working on their symphony and he's probably right.  It was hard for me when I was a junior in high school to cope with Jeff spending so much time practicing with his band until I saw them perform and saw how much Jeff was truly enjoying himself.  That and he reassured me that he would always make time for me...But anyway, I thought Jeff had a good theory.  Liza is such a sweet girl and she deserves someone who will treat her like a queen.  I hope her current boyfriend steps up to the plate or that she can find someone who will.  As long as she's happy.

We got back to Bartlett and Jeff and I drove back to his house.  We talked a little bit, but then he headed up to bed.  I did a little reading and then went to sleep.  In the morning, I talked with Jeff's mom and Kelly for a while about high school and such.  It's amazing to me that Kelly is starting high school.  When I started going out with Jeff, she was in 5th grade, Jenna was in 4th grade, and Marc was in 2nd grade.  Now Kelly will be a freshman, Jenna will be in 8th grade, and Marc will be in 6th.  That just makes me feel really old.  I digress again...I really like Kelly.  She really has an awesome spirit and I hope that I can get to know her better over the course of this year.  I really should talk to her and Jenna online more.  I could send them more letters, too.  In any case, Kelly is great.  I took a shower and then Jeff got downstairs and we went out for breakfast.  I knew that I had to leave to come back to WI soon after that, so when I tried to eat, I just managed to get really queasy.  I moved my food around enough on my plate to make it look like I had more than like 5 bites, but I don't know if it worked.  I just couldn't bring myself to eat when I knew what was coming.

We got back to Jeff's house and hung out outside for a little while before we headed inside so I could say goodbye to Jeff's mom and everyone else.  I was sad that Kelly wasn't there (she was at the mall with a friend) but I got a big hug from Jeff's mom.  She wished me luck with school and we talked briefly about my classes and how I was almost done with my gen-eds.  When she asked what I was going to do to fill up the rest of my time and I told her that I was hoping to take Italian and ballroom dance, I think I caught her a bit off guard, but I think she was impressed.  I promised Jeff that if he could learn to play Jazz piano, I would learn Italian, and I'm going to try my best to keep up my end of the bargaing beings Jeff can already play a mean jazz piano.    He's so talented.

Then Jeff walked me outside and we said goodbye and I tried not to cry but failed miserably.  When I got home, Lisa wanted me to babysit Corey but I wasn't about to do that.  My mom told me that she had asked and that she'd probably call again to ask me since my mom wouldn't just volunteer me to do it.  My mom said I didn't have to do it and I was pretty thankful for how understanding she was.  When Lisa called back, my mom didn't even make me talk to her to tell her I didn't want to.  I felt a little bad at first, but then again, Lisa knew that it was the last time I would see Jeff for quite a while and she could have been a little more sensitive to my feelings instead of just trying to find a way to get to go out to dinner.  Oh well, no harm done,  I guess.

Today my parents and I worked on a lot of stuff for the dorm.  My dad built a really cool folding coffee table and my mom and I primed and painted that and the TV stand.  Tomorrow should see the end of both of those projects.  After that, I just have the microwave shelf to finish and then I don't have any more pre-college projects to do.  I was hoping that the ones I had would get me through Tuesday at least, but I don't think it's going to happen.  Oh well.  I'll find something else to do.  Now that Jeff is in school preparation mode, I have no more reasons to stay at home.  I am ready for the semester to start and I'm ready to get back into a routine and I'm ready to get back to Madison.  I'm ready for the pain to go away.